How is My Trusting Going?
If you’ve been doing relationships long or alive long, you probably noticed that trusting is really risky. You have probably experienced something where you took the risk of trust and then were hurt or even betrayed.
How is my trusting going?
First of all,
God created us as trusting beings.
We learned how to be safe and belong in relationships (TRUST) very early on as infants and children.
As we have carried on through our lives, up until this point, we have lived out of those early beliefs regarding the trustworthiness of ourselves and others.
Because we live in a fallen world, we all fall somewhere on a spectrum of mistrust. It is important to consider how we go about trusting and also the story of how we learned to trust as we . Consider a few categories for trusting below.
Codependency Experience: do I find I “trust” people who repeatedly prove to be untrustworthy? Out of obligation? Or fear? I desperately need you to be trustworthy.
Codependency Defined: is a relational dance where somebody disappears. Somebody is one up and somebody comes underneath and usually there is a feeling of obligation.
We might be the person “disappearing” and feel we don’t know what to do about the other person. Maybe we feel afraid to take action, cause trouble, or the rock the boat.
We might be the person dominating or overbearing with highly anxious control or manipulative strategies that keep others connected to us and within our personal window of tolerance.
Exaggerated Independence Experienced: Do I find it hard to take the risk of trusting others? This may be true of me because my trust has been betrayed so many times and I am focused on meeting my own needs and protecting myself from further harm or disappointment. I don’t have the capacity to be hurt/betrayed/disappointed again so I keep distance between me and you.
Exaggerated Independence Defined: a relational dance where I stay in my lane and your stay in yours. I do not make myself vulnerable to you by sharing my inner thoughts or feelings. I control the lever of the amount of personal connection or intimacy we can have.
You might be the person who shuts down, stonewalls, and pulls away when things get to vulnerable or scary for you.
You might be the person who does a circus act to try to get your relationship partner to connect with you.
What are we aiming for?
Interdependence Experienced: I trust me appropriately and I trust you appropriately. When I’m having a particularly sensitive day, I can stay in trust. When you disappoint me or do something mistrustful I can stay steady, in my own two feet, and let it be true that you make mistakes. I can call you to take responsibility for your mistrustful actions or choices.
Interdependence Defined: The relational dance where I feel the freedom to stand in my own two feet and be myself (in all my glory! The good the bad and the ugly) and you have the freedom to stand in your own two feet and be yourself (the good the bad and the ugly) and we choose each other. And we are each confident that we are held by the hand of God who will never leave us or forsake us.
Now that I’ve got you thinking about your patterns of trusting, perhaps what some of your exaggeration or diminishment of self might look like in the context of relationships, don’t forget you have your reasons. Maybe you’re ready to dig into your story and trace back how you learned the dance of trust and mistrust. Identifying your own personal wounds, weaknesses, and willful sin.
And, sometimes just paying attention to what our patterns are and aiming at something different can be just what we need to keep growing in trust and healing the mistrusting parts of us.
Just a few things I’ve been thinking about lately. ❤️
