Birthday Reflections circa 2016
Well, I’m officially in my mid 30’s! I’m pretty ok with it! The pace at which life seems to be going by is rather astonishing, but I am thankful that I do not find myself wishing for the old days, and instead I am excited to press into what God has in store.
I think the most noteworthy part of 2016 for me was seeing how God cultivated and shaped Clifton and in turn our marriage and me. Marriage and God’s intention for it is so mysterious… over the years one or the other of us has experienced significant refining fire and have, by the grace of God, gained a more clear understanding of who we are and perhaps where we came from. A more simplistic way to say that is that we have come face to face, through one circumstance or another, with the brokenness of our families and ourselves over the years. There you are, the significant other, along for the ride. There’s nothing you can fix or change. You can listen. You can comfort. You can pray for a vision to see the other with inside eyes. Learning to be curious instead of dreadfully afraid that this person before you that you are so sure about, might be changing, that you might not know everything, and as deeper parts of them are being exposed and transformed by God’s beautiful grace you get to be a witness. On good days witnessing for me looks like trusting God and his promises. It looks like me being willing and open to a new dance move or two in this dance with Clif. Instead of grimacing and shaming, its smiling and accepting and learning a new way together. On bad days, I go into Tasmanian devil mode, and everything feels chaotic and out of control. The way that Clif’s maturing has changed me over this year is a big deal. And I am grateful for the true privilege it is to see him and to be seen by him. To watch him continue to shed his orphan baggage and embrace his life as a beloved son of God who is accepted and delighted in. I’m learning to trust God and trust others as I watch and as I get out there on the dance floor with this guy. It’s a true adventure, you know that, if you’ve seen him on the dance floor!
My favorite moment of the year was this August on Santa Rosa Beach. Clif and I went out about 11pm one evening and we planted our chairs in the sand and looked up, tears literally streamed down my face at the glory. I imagine it must have been what the night sky looked like when God promised Abraham that He would be faithful to him. The black night was literally FULL of diamond lights, against the backdrop of the vast ocean, the steady sound of waves, the goodness of cold sand underfoot. It was awe inspiring. And in those moments God reassured my own heart of his faithfulness to me, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. This year I have seen God move in pursuit of and in protection of his children in big and small ways. I am so grateful I am His.
My hardest moments this year have been as I struggle day in and day out to mother these sweet little girls. There is a meme going around facebook that says behind every great child is a mother who is pretty sure she has no idea what she’s doing. That’s totally me. I pray my children turn out great. They are each so gifted and so beautiful. I pray they love Jesus. I struggle to be patient, to be organized (this is a big deal when you are homeschooling), to be consistent. All the biggies. And I pray that if my girls learn anything, they learn that it’s ok to be human. That they don’t have to be perfect. They can struggle and fail. And by the grace of the God may they catch the vision of the great God that I have. May they discover that knowing Him is the reason we get back up, dust ourselves off, and keep living… living into the call to walk worthy as a child of God. A life worthy of the great love that has been lavished on us. A life of worship and response.
This year I have not felt strong and brave, but very desperate, often afraid, and sometimes bored with waiting. My friends have reminded me that it is in my weakness that He is made strong. Thank you all for loving me, and may you know that any strength you see in me is truly only the strong arm of our mighty Savior and our loving Father who holds us all together. I am very excited for another year of life to live. I am grateful for the people I love around me, for healthy amazing daughters who are so very bright and hungry for living and trusting. I am thankful to journey with so many brothers and sisters in Christ as we celebrate, grieve, and grow up together, and seek to proclaim God’s kingdom in Louisville, KY. I am excited to watch God continue to restore my family and even bring a new member this year! I pray I will be faithful in the small things this year. That I will remember that our help comes from the Lord who made the heavens and the earth!!!
