On Mothering
Circa 2012~
Mother, Mothering, Mothered. Hasn't our experience with these words, with these people been so different.
And like many other things as long as things are going along well, smoothly, unchallenged with our mothers, or as mothers we don't really think too much about it. At least I didn't. But, when something stirs the pot... when we get hurt or offended. When by God's grace there is a mirror in front of us and we see, clearly, that we are not kind, tender, fun-loving mothers that we always dreamed of being. Isn't that when what we really think about mothering sort of floats to the surface of our hearts.
This "floating to the surface" thing has been happening in my heart a lot lately.
Circumstances and extended family relationships have been under the gun in my life for the past 2 years now. The relationship with my own mother has been in a state or ruin really. I feel like I am beginning to understand just how important the role of a mother is to the daughter. What it means when she's not there. Why it hurts so deeply when things are not okay with her. Just how intricately a mother's response to you is woven throughout your life and into who you become.
As well, I have stepped into this new journey in my life as a doula. A doula believes in mothering the mother. I have the amazing privilege of nurturing, loving, supporting, being in tune emotionally, helping women prepare for and then give birth... I get to help them become mothers with babies in their arms! It is truly beautiful and leaves me speechless when I consider the exquisite process God has made for bring new life into the world. The doula role has been a real bright spot as considered these things lately. What does it mean to mother other women and friends?
And what does it mean to mother myself? A friend recently gave me a high five and encouraged me because I took a nap instead of going out with friends on a day that I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Another friend has asked me recently what do you need RIGHT NOW? Rest? To pray? Humor? A run? A yummy treat? These women are teaching me to mother myself.
And then of course my role as mother to my precious girls. It will be from me, from my life with them that these two baby girls learn what it means to be a mother. Daily I am challenged.
To answer kindly. To put these two small ones and their play and curiosity above the many chores always lurking. To listen well and intently. To answer with patience, fairness, and kindness. To be interested. To respond.
And on so many days and in so many moments, I don't. I'm not. I am uninterested, work restlessly to get laundry and dishes under control, do not even consider what is fair or kind only what is convenient for me at the time. And on those days, I feel, inside... just annoyed, restless, unsatisfied, weary. And on days when there are actually more moments of grace. Moments of tenderness, moments of selflessness that make up the days... at the end of the day... I'm still tired. But it's different. There's something alive in me. There's a sort of knowing that this was good, what I was designed to walk in.
In all this reflection about mothering, it seems to me what mothering does, in all sorts of ways, is to give, care for, encourage, and preserve life. The life of the whole person. This is important work. Work we all appreciate, work that is truly life changing when we experience it.
It has to be said that we, who are mothering, are all frail and weak. We are not always supporters of life. Somedays we are flat out robbers of life in those around us. And yet, our God has promised that HE is making us new, and making the dead and dark in all the world in every way come alive again in Him! Not to mention the amazing work that has been done on our account in the mean time by Jesus on the Cross and in the Resurrection! So we must repent and like warriors with humility we go back to the trenches walking in His Spirit, giving away His love, pointing to the safe place that He is.
