I’d Like Some New Dance Moves, Please
What if we want to change the dance moves in a relationships we are engaged in?
One important nugget to remember is that the brain is a pattern seeking organ. So, just like it memorizes dance moves through repetition and muscle memory, the same will be true for your relational patterns and inner dialogue. I’m basically just saying… this is going to be hard work and it will take time that you want.
But as Tom Hank says in A League of Their Own, “it’s suppose to be hard, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it.” We can do it…
Let’s break it down…
#1 Remember it’s not all or nothing. I can trust you for some things, maybe not everything. Reflecting on this reality and even make a list of what you can trust this person for will help you move from your survival brain that is all or nothing to your prefrontal cortex which will help you use logic and reasoning! Yay!
I can trust my husband to work hard and bring home a paycheck. I can trust him to be a wonderful, loving dad. I can trust him to make me a latte in the morning. I can trust him to get our kids to school on time.
#2 Clarify for yourself what are you noticing. What actions, communications, patterns are creating mistrust for you that you would like to change?
My husband is constantly overspending and avoids conversations about money or budgeting which keeps us from meeting our financial goals.
#3 Clarify for yourself how you feel about that. (Use a feeling chart or common emotional language that is already familiar to you and your relationship partner)
I feel afraid of not being financially secure or prepared. I feel angry because it’s not fair for him to avoid this conversation if we are in this together. I feel hurt that he has continued to ignore my feelings about this. I feel guilty because I don’t always get it right either.
#4 Clarify for yourself what you need from your person to rebuild trust. Make it tangible/measurable.
I need you to commit to regular meetings to communicate about our money and bills and submit to regular and measureable accountablity for your spending.
#5 Communicate to your person. Pick a safe space. Be in your own integrity as you enter the convo.
When you repeatedly disregard the budget we have agreed to and overspend it makes me feel afraid, hurt, and angry and it really impacts trust in our relationship. Are you willing to work to rebuild trust with me on this?
If no, then you may need more help to navigate your way forward. Or you could say, will you agree to consider what I’m asking for and I’ll follow back up with you about it in 2 days.
If yes, can I share with you what I need from you to rebuild trust? Share it.
#6 Follow up on how it’s going with honesty. You need regular communication about trust is being rebuilt or diminished.
#7 Celebrate the hard work you and your partner are putting in to live in relational integrity and have a great marriage, friend, family, or working relationship.
Just a few things I’ve been thinking about lately. ❤️
