Lesson 3: YOU CAN:Boundaries and Communicating a Plan

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

How to Practice the Butterfly Hug:
1. Find a Comfortable Position: Sit or stand in a comfortable position with your feet flat on the ground. Take a moment to relax and bring your awareness to your body and breath.

2. Cross Your Arms: Place your right hand on your left upper arm and your left hand on your right upper arm. Your hands should lightly touch your arms, allowing for a comfortable and relaxed posture.

3. Begin Tapping: Gently tap your hands on your upper arms, starting with your right hand tapping your left arm, and then your left hand tapping your right arm. Maintain a gentle and rhythmic tapping motion.

4. Breathe and Focus: As you tap, bring your attention to your breath. Take slow, deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Allow yourself to focus on the sensation of the tapping and the rhythm of your breath.

5. Practice Mindful Awareness: As you continue tapping, bring your awareness to any sensations, thoughts, or emotions that arise. Notice any areas of tension or discomfort in your body and allow them to soften and release with each tap.

6. Continue for a Few Minutes: Practice the Butterfly Hug for a few minutes, allowing yourself to fully immerse in the experience. You can adjust the speed and intensity of the tapping to suit your preference. Trust your intuition and allow the technique to work for you.

A healthy boundary is

1) 100% about safety and is a means of staying engaged in the relationship.

2) 100% in your control.

3) 100% possible.

4) You must be 100% willing to follow through with it.

Abstinence Plan for Sex Addiction Recovery

1. Definition of Abstinence

I define abstinence as refraining from the following behaviors:

• Viewing pornography in any form

• Engaging in masturbation

• Seeking or participating in casual sexual encounters

• Using escort services or visiting strip clubs

• Engaging in cybersex, sexting, or phone sex

• Any sexual activity outside of my committed relationship

2. Boundaries and Safeguards

To maintain abstinence, I will:

• Install and maintain content filtering software on all devices

• Avoid being alone with individuals to whom I'm attracted (other than my partner)

• Not use the internet or devices in private spaces (e.g., bedroom, bathroom)

• Share my location with my partner when away from home

• Avoid places that have been triggers in the past (e.g., certain neighborhoods, hotels)

3. Recovery Activities

I commit to:

• Attending 3 support group meetings per week (e.g., SAA, SLAA)

• Meeting with my sponsor weekly

• Attending individual therapy sessions bi-weekly

• Journaling daily about my thoughts, feelings, and challenges

• Practicing mindfulness meditation for 15 minutes each morning

• Reading recovery literature for 30 minutes each evening

4. Accountability Measures

I agree to:

• Check in with my accountability partner daily

• Share my internet browsing history with my partner weekly

• Take a polygraph test every six months if requested by my partner

• Immediately disclose any slips or relapses to my partner and sponsor

5. Self-Care and Stress Management

I will prioritize self-care by:

• Exercising for at least 30 minutes, 5 days a week

• Maintaining a regular sleep schedule (10 PM to 6 AM)

• Eating balanced meals and avoiding excessive sugar or caffeine

• Engaging in a hobby or recreational activity at least twice a week

• Practicing deep breathing exercises when feeling stressed or triggered

6. Relationship Commitments

To nurture my primary relationship, I will:

• Have a weekly check-in conversation with my partner about my recovery

• Plan and participate in a date night once a week

• Express gratitude to my partner daily

• Attend couples therapy sessions monthly

7. Relapse Prevention Plan

If I feel at risk of relapse, I will:

1. Immediately call my sponsor or accountability partner

2. Remove myself from the triggering situation

3. Use the H.A.L.T. method (check if I'm Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)

4. Engage in a predetermined healthy coping activity (e.g., going for a walk, calling a friend)

5. Attend an emergency support group meeting if available

8. Review and Revision

I will review this plan monthly with my therapist and partner, making adjustments as necessary to support my ongoing recovery.

Signed: _________________ Date: _________________

Witness: _________________ Date: _________________

Sex Addiction Relapse Plan: Considerations for the Betrayed Partner

1. Immediate Disclosure

If I relapse, I commit to:

• Inform my partner within 24 hours of the relapse

• Provide a clear, honest account of what happened without minimizing or making excuses

• Answer any questions my partner has truthfully and completely

2. Safety Measures

To ensure my partner's emotional and physical safety:

• I will immediately get tested for STIs if the relapse involved physical contact with another person

• I will respect my partner's need for space or distance if requested

• I will not pressure my partner for forgiveness or to move past the relapse quickly

3. Transparency and Accountability

To rebuild trust:

• I will provide my partner with full access to my devices, accounts, and location information

• I agree to take a polygraph test if my partner requests it

• I will check in with my partner daily about my recovery efforts and emotional state

4. Intensified Recovery Efforts

To address the relapse, I will:

• Increase my therapy sessions to weekly for at least one month

• Attend daily support group meetings for the first 30 days post-relapse

• Re-engage with my sponsor and create a new sobriety plan

5. Partner Support

To support my partner's healing:

• I will pay for individual therapy sessions for my partner if they desire

• I will attend couples therapy sessions as frequently as my partner wishes

• I will read materials on betrayal trauma and discuss them with my partner

6. Boundary Respect

I understand that my partner may need to:

• Set new, stricter boundaries following the relapse

• Take time to process their emotions before deciding on next steps

• Seek support from trusted friends or family members

I commit to respecting these boundaries without complaint or pressure.

7. Relapse Analysis

Within one week of the relapse, I will:

• Identify and share with my partner the triggers that led to the relapse

• Develop and share a concrete plan to address these triggers in the future

• Discuss with my partner any changes needed in our relationship or environment

8. Amends Process

I will:

• Write a detailed amends letter to my partner

• Read this letter aloud to my partner when they are ready to hear it

• Follow through on any promises or changes outlined in the amends

9. Partner's Relapse Response Plan

I support my partner in creating their own relapse response plan, which may include:

• Predetermined self-care activities

• A list of supportive friends or family to contact

• The option to temporarily stay elsewhere if needed for their well-being

10. Recommitment to Recovery

I will:

• Renew my commitment to my recovery program

• Involve my partner in creating an updated recovery plan if they wish to participate

• Regularly share my progress and challenges with my partner

11. Understanding Consequences

I acknowledge that:

• My partner has the right to reevaluate our relationship following a relapse

• There may be predetermined consequences we've agreed upon (e.g., temporary separation)

• Repeated relapses may result in the termination of our relationship

12. Review and Revise

We will review this plan:

• Immediately after any relapse occurs

• Every three months as part of our ongoing recovery work

• Any time either of us feels it needs updating

Signed (Recovering Addict): _________________ Date: _________________

Signed (Partner): _________________ Date: _________________

Witness (e.g., Therapist): _________________ Date: _________________